Trains of Thought
by HeyWhoTurnedOutTheLights
Summary: A series of monologues by The Doctor, The Human Doctor and Rose Tyler. They always under-estimate Rose, but this time she's coming back, and all the rules have changed. Set to Closer by Kings of Leon.
1. Closer

Okay, a small collection of monologues, I posted over at Teaspoon based around the song Closer – Kings of Leon. It is going to be part of an AU series set after S4, a reuinon/BadWolf fic.

I own nothing, only borrow tentatively.

*****

Her faded golden hair splays out behind on her on the chair, the nylon coated fabric on the seat summons the fine hairs from her neck and curls them gently as they obey the laws of the universe. Atoms clinging to atoms as they spin. As they all spin.

Her posture seems relaxed, spine gently curved and her closed eyes, smudged with dark purple shadows, seem to swallow up her pale unadorned face even in repose. Another glance reveals a fading burgundy rucksack tucked tight between her knees, hands clutched fast to the strap.

She's done this before.

Lost something.

Lost you.

The train slows and a lull in the engines brings her eyes open, revealing an awareness that only experienced survivors can achieve. Her sherry eyes look flat, empty and the shine is so obviously missing it makes your breath catch. The hands tighten on the woven plastic handles and her knuckles whiten with the effort. A small frown creases her forehead and the familiar action makes your stomach clench. In a sickening rush, time shows you again that singular possibility of millions. Her face shows you again the path you chose.

The pain that rolls through you surprises you because you're still not expecting it, even with all you've seen, you still can't believe you'll do it.

After standing on that Impossible Planet, pledging your faith so unequivocally in her, acknowledging that blistering love for her you made a choice. And suddenly, maddeningly, all those ephemeral probabilities had shown themselves to your unwilling mind. You'd left her sleeping in her mother's flat dreaming of flying stingray, after returning from Ulix. A barren planet, but beautiful in its emptiness and you'd taken her there because you wanted to wow her, cause her hand to reach for yours.

Because you wanted to hear her say that word. Even though you know the lie.

"How long are you going to stay with me?"

"Forever."

Then you travelled to that nebulous future, increasing the strain of two splintering universes to go back to Pete's earth. Travelled through the rift and through time and you came too far.

Went forward into a time where you'd killed them both.

You want to comfort her, reveal yourself because you know that will ease her pain, and at that moment you will do anything to stop her grief. And she is grieving. The other you has told you. Jackie has told you.

You've lost her to your own words.

You want to hold her, convince her that you won't do the things you've already done, yet to do. Will do more than just burn up a sun to say goodbye, will destroy a galaxy to get her back.

Will do anything to keep her safe, anything but leave her unprotected in this terrible game. Panic rips through you, for her, for him, and for what you must endure. The words you'll force yourself to say. The words you'll convince to stay quiet.

That tight frenzy of knowledge the other him told you earlier hums in your mind, that quiet, solemn flicker of hope is all that stops you.

Keeps you in your seat.

_Stranded in this spooky town  
Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down  
This floor is crackling cold  
She took my heart, I think she took my soul_

He'd known why he'd done it. Would do it again. And again even.

Because just imagine the consequences.

He could.

Before she'd changed him in so many ways, back before when it had been tolerable to gaze upon her, it had been cooler. A love cast in shadows and ice, made romantic in moonlight, a gentle game of wolf and prey, that slow dance of him and her. He'd gloried in her potential power, so naive as to what was to come

He'd held his control with an iron grip and known that she would never have him all.

_With the moon I run  
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun  
Driven by the strangled vein  
Showing no mercy I do it again_

Then he'd watched her blaze for him, watched her change the universe for him. Then he'd fused his lips with hers, one loving, giving, romantic act of life for her and his world had exploded in flames. That fierce blinding light that has seared the moonlight haze from his vision. That stripped him of his romantic ideals, that he could love her, fall so hard and far, and yet not leave himself damaged.

Burned.

And oh, how he had burned. Burned for her, for them. Fallen like Icarus, diving head first into that incandescent pyre.

And he thought, for one moment, remembered that querulous feeling that he might not pull through the sizzling inferno that coated his nerves. That he would raze in ecstasy; his phoenix lost in his own ashes.

But he had. Eyes un-fixed, gaze raw he'd seen her in her exquisite shining glory.

How could he have denied himself that siren's call. Who could have predicted it, The Last Time Lord, entranced in the sight of the Bad Wolf. Rose had saved him and damned him in that same hitched breath.

_Open up your eye  
You keep on crying, baby  
I'll bleed you dry  
_

Because since that moment it hadn't been soft, a balm that slowly teased. He had no illusions now, his love for her was crude, unsophisticated and fizzed through him, strengthening him, emboldening him. It made him want to give it all up and tear it all down for her.

And that couldn't happen, because he wasn't done yet, hasn't finished paying his penance. It's not that he doesn't want her, always, achingly in a way like no other. No it's that he wants her too much.

With a final twist of his hand in his hair he allows himself to feel his guilt, a brief respite from the empty ache of her absence.

He should have told her that, but damn it there were consequences.

_The skies are blinking at me  
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea  
And it's coming closer  
_

I know why he's done it. And I know that he'd do it again. Again Even.

Because he's terrified. Because she loves him.

And that's okay, I won't pretend. Being human has tamed the fire of loving her. Donna's pragmatism has reined it in. And though I still remember it all, still contain all those thoughts in my head, my one heart beats surer now that time doesn't tease me with possibilities. It's comfortable, secure, Rose and I are friends. And we'll all take this time he's given us to heal.

And then we'll go back.

_it's coming closer_

Because there are so many factors he didn't consider. Because, when he looks at her, he can't see, lost in a game of celestial making, fulfilling their roles, dancing their parts. He doesn't see how much she's changed. Still changing and oh just wait till he sees. She'll burn.

So we'll wait, build, re-strengthen the dreams. And then we'll go back.

Consequences be damned.

_You, shimmy shook my bones  
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own  
_

I keep expecting it to stop. Never understood what he meant until now, but it's not like it can be switched off.

Powering down love.

It's strange how things ended up, like my own personal purgatory all over again only this time I don't even have him.

I bite my already raw lip, trying to not to wonder why I'm feeling so relaxed considering my train of thought. I haven't felt this good in years.

Hah I know that my feelings are not reflected on my physical shell. I know my face is pale, my eyes are bruised and I'm losing weight. But I feel calm and it's been years since I've felt that way.

I look really good for my age.

But I don't belong here, so I'm leaving. I remember this. I remember him arriving, me being left here, dreading and hoping that day when I'd get something of him back. Knowing that one day I'd be alone again. My head was still spinning, still unable to process that conversation on the beach. I'd waited so long to know I'd forgotten what it was I wanted to hear and I'd been unprepared for their answer.

Forever. His Forever.

And now it wasn't enough.

None of that matters now, because I've gone away, and my wonderful human Doctor will send me a familiar stranger when it's done. When they're ready, when I'm ready, when I can go back.

I will be older. And I must wait, my turn walking the slow path.

_What do you think of me  
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep  
Feel so good but I'm old,  
2000 years of chasing taking its toll_

I sigh and open my eyes as the train slows. The engine lulls and for a moment that searing silence is almost overwhelming, a physical pressure against my skin. That's why I like it, because it's noisy. Because sometimes its fast and because it's slightly uncomfortable, just like home.

Only it's not home anymore. Not for me.

A flare of pain registers in my mind, shocking me in its intensity and I'm surprised because for once it's not mine. But I know this, have felt this energy entangled in my head since I was born. Have spent decades analysing its furious call and the pain it's absence causes.

He's here. My breath stutters. It begins.

Some when in the future my wait is nearly over, somewhere in the world I will be packing up and moving on, and it is that slow reassurance of patience that stops me turning. Stops my eyes searching for his and taking solace in his breaking hearts. Because it will be worth it, that I can feel that as the slide of time grips its fingers on me, paralyses me.

_And it's coming closer_

Keeps me in my seat.


	2. As one door closes

Just a rewrite. If I'd kept the last bit the rest of the whole series becomes complete nonsense! Sorry!

*****************

Wind whipped at her hair, its cold fingers tangling the blonde strands in a stinging fury against her cheeks. Her eyes couldn't see the beach around her, couldn't feel the hand clenched tight in hers, could only focus on that empty space. Where he'd been.

"Rose." That voice, it still pricked at her, still made her shift uncomfortably.

"I have to go." Was that really her voice, or did she always sound like that; broken, defeated, tired and old.

"No." A fierce Jackie Tyler blocked her unseeing stare. "You might be from my future but you're still my daughter." The charging molecules stole the power from her words, leaving them sad and resigned.

The comment still weakened her resolve. In her peripheral vision she could see his eyes flash in alarm.

"Mum," She slanted a hand over her eyes in an impatient gesture and ignored his curious stare. "I can't be here when I turn up, paradox yeah?" A corner of her mouth pulled up unwillingly. That would really work, two versions of Bad Wolf in the same space time. Even if she couldn't get off Earth she could still get away. Far away.

"What do you mean the future, what paradox? Rose?" His hand tightened compulsively around hers and she sucked in a breath. That voice, just hearing his voice again, after all these years...

She turned to face him, hand twisting in his, going up on tip toes to press her lips to his forehead. The hand that cupped his cheek remained as she pulled back, aware her eyes were bright. "I didn't know what you offered, so long to think about what I can't have." She exhaled and looked away hand dropping from his skin. "And I can't have you, not like that."

His gaze bored down on her and Rose shuffled eyes flicking back to him and away again. She could feel his eyes searching hers and his free hand jammed through his hair as he comprehended.

"When you said he's not you, you weren't talking about me." He broke off and pulled her closer to him, hand grasping her chin, raising her gaze to his. "How long?"

She closed her eyes and pulled back jerking free of his grip. "She can't know, I can't know. Promise me."

The sky seemed to darken as anger flared magnificently in his face, brown swirled deliciously into black. "And you? Is she, are you." He sighed raggedly as he tripped over his words his frustration expressed as his hand left hers and grasped her arm. "Do you leave me?"

Rose nearly gasped with the irony. Her leaving him, like that could even happen, the only impossible she believed in. "I didn't understand, what you said back in our world, with the Krillitanes." His eyes darkened incredulously further as his mind remembered. Rose's voice faded and then with a gulp she strengthened it and spoke. "To watch time pinch and snipe away the person you love."

His gaze was heavy with the truth that neither would voice. His words were low and drenched in sorrow. "I left you."

She bit her lip almost savagely. Stupid Rose, you should know better than to slip like that.

Even though his grief was palpable his intelligent ever present mind was working it out, always working it out. "You didn't travel to the future you came back from there."

She barked out a low laugh that disappeared on the wind. "Just call me Marty McFly."

He shook his head, confusion blazing on his familiar features.

"They don't have the tech yet to do what I did. I had to make it and bring it back."

"Why risk it, two of you here at such a delicate point."

"Like the timelines converged on Donna, it was here this place and time that they fixed. I tried everything else first." She sighed and tried to pull away, delighting in that guilty rush as his hand clenched around her arm. "But I didn't know, all you would say was that you needed me."

His voice was crushed satin as he stepped closer to her. "I do."

She drank in his warmth and sighed pressing her face to his neck, hands rising of their own accord to encircle his neck. "Who'd have thought it would be so difficult." She laughed shakily feeling his arms bind her closer and closer. "We never get an easy break do we?"

His voice was rough. "You'll visit, stay close be near me, please." His worse fell in between the chaste kisses he rained on her face.

"I can't" Rose's voice cracked. She saw Jackie put her hand to her face and turn away. "You've still got me, will always have me."

He pulled back slightly, palm sliding to the small of her back, hand tangling in her hair before savaging her mouth with his. He was in control this time, and he branded her with his kiss.

"Not like this, in my arms, a lifetime of keeping my distance." His voice was terrible as his eyes filled with pain. "God Rose, finally together and always apart." His breath came hot against her ear. "I can't let you, won't let you go."

Rose breathed deeply inhaling the smell of him tasting the tang of lemon grass, Newtolian wood all blended with time. She buried her face in his neck.

"I love you Doctor James McCrimmon."

His lips crashed down on hers again and when they pulled apart this time, they were both panting.

Rose dragged an unsteady hand through her hair and moved away from the comfort of his hold. "There'll be a man, Jack's double. He'll meet you. You need to send him to me, I'm not sure when."

The Doctor frowned. "How will I know where you are?"

Rose smiled at him. "You'll always know." She paused and looked once more out to the grey boiling sea. "Time to go."

She turned to her mother, the woman she had lost so many years ago, a woman now freely crying as she witnessed her daughter breaking her heart all over again. "Look after me Mum."

Hands clasped her again smaller, feminine and she drank in the warmth of her mother's love. "Be careful Rose."

"Always Mum, you know me." She closed her eyes revelling in the moment.

"I'll never see you again will I?" Jackie's voice was querulous.

Rose rolled her eyes, she didn't even feel the cold now. "Shh, you'll see me, everyday." The wind increased sending damp sand and water into a swirling maelstrom. She felt James move behind her and she turned.

"My Rose, I've always loved you. From Run." He brushed away her tears gently.

"Forever." She whispered that bittersweet word that made both their hearts clench. She nudged him gently with her arm. "Now go on." She nodded and cleared her throat. "Say hello."

He turned to look at the black helicopter that was approaching and as his back was turned she slipped away.

*********************


	3. Another door opens

"Rose"

For a moment it doesn't register, the voice behind her. She's been someone else for so long now that the instinctive reaction to her name has been erased. Perhaps not erased, just muted. Her head is tightly wrapped up in the book she is studying. She's always studying, reading absorbing all that she can, anything to pass the time. If she isn't reading she's running.

So to hear her name, on a bench by the Seine is such an unusual and unexpected prospect naturally it takes a repetition to sink in.

"Rose." A little more insistent and her head jerks up, eyes scanning around her in all directions, seeing nothing, everything all at once, before focussing on the figure in front of her. It's the blue that catches her attention first. The exact shade of a ship whose name she has banned from her conscious thoughts. Her breath leaves her in a rush.

"James."

His smile is strained, a little crooked and as her gaze searches him she can see his fists are clenched, his posture tense.

Her first thought is one of puzzlement and then her eyes widen as the implications as to his presence becomes clear.

"Oh." She stands jerkily, her text book falling to her feet as her legs push her towards him. Traffic races behind her, but her focus upon him is total. "How have you been?" As she struggles to dispel the roiling tension her mind does a quick calculation and she recalls the memory of arguments and frustration clouding her time with him. She nods, answering her own question. "Of course. She knows."

He seems to ignore her words as he studies her face. "I'd forgotten." His eyes stare through her, past her, into a place she can't, refuses to follow. "If your eyes..." James trails off and steps closer. "You'd never know."

"S'just a phase. Stick with me." She offers a crooked grin of her own, knowing it's no consolation, knowing the complete unfairness of it all. He glances away and shoves his hand through his hair, a gesture so familiar that she almost stops breathing.

"It's time." He's considers the floor and he wonders briefly how he ever thought that _this_ had been tamed.

"All ready?" There are two questions in her simple words and he can't help but meet her stare.

"I need to know you're..." He tails off, eyes tearing from hers again.

"Gone?" There's no bitterness, she understands, completely.

His head jerks, a savage reflex action that shows he still has problems doing this, domestic. His hand raises and in his grip is the large silver and yellow button, the source of so many bad dreams. Her hand reaches out to take it from him, too late she realises his intention and she's in his arms, hands clasped tight around her back, face buried in her neck.

"Rose." Her name is a whisper and she shudders even as she returns his embrace, arms reaching for his neck, hands tangling in his hair.

"He doesn't deserve you." His voice is low and truculent and unbelievably she's smiling.

"No."

She feels his lips twitch against her hair and she can feel him relax slightly his grip softening.

"River is nice." His voice is still truculent but touched with grudging admiration. Her grin widens and she pulls back to grin up into his reluctant face. His own features slide into solemnity and her grin fades a little.

"I don't want to say goodbye."

"You don't have to." Truth, perfect truth, she'll stand by him, watch him settle for second best, she won't begrudge him what she won't accept. Not that he's inferior, she just can't lose him again, not again. She was so naïve to think that it would hurt just the same.

"Don't take no for an answer." He's stern now, reassurance for her comfort, her security desperate in his tone.

"I won't" It brings tears to her eyes and that parting at Krop Tor flashes vividly in her mind. As if hearing her thoughts he brings his lips to her forehead and presses a gentle kiss there. To a casual observer they would just be another entranced couple enjoying the romance of Paris. The sound of two hearts breaking is almost inaudible; it's only evidence in her hitching breath and his low growl.

"Go." He pushes her from him roughly and turns away, eyes raking over the view as if he could find solace in its wintry golden glow. He turns, quickly, regret making him stumble, but for once she's listened to him. She's gone; the only sign of her departure is the faint smell of electric hazing the air.

James pulled back those forbidden words that trembled restlessly on his tongue and let this new knowledge sink in. If he squinted enough he could almost see the relief he thought her absence would bring. The world spins under his feet and it doesn't affect him quite how it did once. He swallows the rough lump in his throat and blinks the glaze from his eyes. He'll move on now, with Rose, and with River and he'll be content.

As he turns to leave one last memory rises unbidden before his eyes, her face, his Rose, a shining goddess in the vortex. When he releases his breath it shudders slightly.

He hadn't thought it would be quite this sharp, but he'd forgotten the truth in her eyes. He always forgot.

And it was always his undoing.


End file.
